This month was just me being grateful it was no longer January. Drinking more coffee and tea, painting and drawing, blasting my records, going on walks. The snow has been nice, I’ll miss the crisp air, but the sun coming out is not unwelcome. Sometimes you think you’re the worst person in the world then you go outside for a bit, grab your favourite spicy tofu, eat a bunch of Mt. Alice cheese and the warmth of the sun on your cheeks makes you realise “I just needed lunch.” Remarkable how I never learn. I say this having eaten breakfast at 12:45pm the day I write this. I notice how much better days are where I don’t skip breakfast. Who knew?

I started watching Twin Peaks and have transformed into the kind of person who tells everyone to watch Twin Peaks. 2024 is the year of television I guess? A good friend really wants me to start watching The Soprano’s so that comes next, although I really don’t care for mob stories, but I’ll give it a go. Trying to open up to long form story telling but I generally give up around season 3, even if I like the show (luckily Twin Peaks only has 3 seasons). I’ve been walking around with the Twin Peaks music stuck in my head and from time to time it is grating.

Going into March I want to work on my screen hygiene. I am on my phone too bloody much for someone who doesn’t text often and mostly gets annoyed by scrolling. But the main issue is my computer, opening and closing the same tabs over and over again, rewatching youtube videos, learning about celebrity drama I really don’t want to know about. Distracting myself from things I actually enjoy. I’m still very bad at doing the things I like because my issue has always been getting started. Brain is always moving 1000 miles an hour and can’t relax, can’t go without stimulation, I am tired. My inability to focus is driving me mad. Need to unfollow all the famous/influencer people on instagram. I do not intend to live under a rock, not at all, I just don’t want to know about certain things anymore like podcast drama. I know too much about things that don’t matter and too little about things that do. Sometimes I think about smashing my phone on the floor. I considered getting a flip phone. But also, I shouldn’t consider buying a new phone to solve my problems. I’m a god damn adult, I can just practice good screen hygiene. Knowing how much better I feel in places where internet is lacking, but I cannot bury my head in the sand. It’s always about balance.

I realised, or reconfirmed, I prefer to yearn than to actually get what I want. I have wanted to get back out in the world, to meet people, to dance, and life agreed. I won free VIP tickets to the Charli XCX Boiler Room and initially excited but on the day of was talking myself out of it. The idea of being in a loud warehouse surrounded by Instagram Influencers sounded like hell. I knew I was just letting the anxiety run rampant so to eventually convince myself I wasn’t going. And for a bit I wasn’t. My brother in-law wanted to go to an art exhibition nearby and I thought to justify not going to the gig I’d go to the show. Outside he directed us to the bus and I tried to talk him out of it, that it wasn’t a long walk, why bother? In reality I was scared of taking the bus. But there I was, at a bus stop, and the bus was for some reason free that evening (fate once again is banging at my door, asking me to stop pretending it does not exist). We sat down and I remembered how much I loved the bus. A man was shouting in the back, it was raining, the car lights passed by and we talked about film remakes. I haven’t been on a bus in two years and suddenly I was on one, feeling at home.

The show at the gallery was good but something else was on my mind, the warehouse the Boiler Room was being held was only a 10 minute walk away. I told my sister “fuck it, let’s go”. And after some chaos regarding which queue to stand in, we got inside. Paid for an overpriced G&T. Then we made our way to the backstage platform. The railings had LEDs which changed with the music, the fog machines were rolling, Charli XCX entered the room like a boxer. I spotted some famous faces, got existential seeing the influences take pictures, all looking very much the same. Julia Fox sang a song, not very well I must add, but I don’t think she had an earpiece so the odds were against her. George Daniel, the drummer of The 1975, played the strongest part of the set, though Charli, AG Cook and the opening DJ did a great job too. Charli has an incredible stage presence, a proper performer. This is all very name dropy I know, but it’s exciting! It’s weird!

We left about 5 minutes before the show ended to avoid the slow slug of a exiting crowd. A girl outside, high off her rocker or drunk, declared her love for us. We walked through the industrial area, saw a giant pile of sand which I don’t think is an insult to say it was the highlight of the night. It was a really big pile of sand. We grabbed pizza on the way home, watched a bit of a not very good TV show. I was out in the world again, and it wasn’t so scary after all. It’s actually quite nice. Yearning is a distraction, the real thing is far more satisfying.

Had a particularly lovely Sunday, finally took a walk through the cemetery nearby. Before even moving to the area, I saw on the map that we were going to be near a large graveyard and either forgot or was too anxious to go beyond my literal comfort zone (often, the joke about me is it’s like sending out sheep in Age of Empires II, where you could explore more of the map by sending flocks into the unexplored areas). Although we could only find a way into the Catholic cemetery, the protestant side being blocked off by a barbed wire fence. For another day. There’s a subway station that looks over the whole thing and wondered what it is like to start everyday looking upon this place. Then went to a café I’d been meaning to go to and visit a park that had tables with chessboards carved into the stone. For the first time in a long time, we sat down, had some coffee and I was able to eat something (a very nice everything bagel with cream cheese) and not feel sick with anxiety afterwards. Even the day before, we had to wait for some breakfast sandwiches to be ready and sat outside in the sun without my mind desperately screaming to go home lest we be punished (OCD baby! Fuck you!). I kept asking if it was just the sun being out or was this a lovely area? All it needed was a bookshop and I’d be in heaven.

In the last month I have increasingly gotten into electronic music. I have yet to learn the intricacies between house/jungle/dub/etc. The records I play at home are either ambient or noisy club music. I’ve run out of patience for folk, which has been the great love of my 20s. Maybe I’ve grown tired of other peoples words. More interested now in the abstract. I’ve become obsessed with the Bufo Bufo Weatherworker EP, blasting the record when I think the neighbours are out. Listened to a lot of Dublin Digital Radio and Book Club Radio. Enjoying the newness. The only exception has been the new Hurray for the Riff Raff album The Past is Still Alive, which is my favourite album of the year so far.

My local record shop specialises in dance and electronic music. I feel every time I go in there, I could grab anything and love it. The guy who runs the place is nice too, good for recommendations. Also there are shop cats, which is always a bonus. There’s something very freeing about finding a place with good taste. A bit like when I scroll through Criterion (do I be self aware and point out how pretentious that sounds or not? Too late). When you know you’re not being tricked or conned, one finds it easier to open up to possibilities. As the record shop guys becomes more familiar with what I like, the recs get honed in. It reminds me of early days, being a customer at Burley-Fisher Books, way back when I worked at Urban Outfitters and read on the train. I quickly got through anon film friend buddies recommendations and recall him being stuck because I’d read everything. I look forward to doing that to the record shop guy. Perhaps I rely on other peoples taste too much, but I’d rather find something I’d never have thought of myself than what a curated computer programme that thinks I’d like.

This sounds silly but I need a new crush. Crushes get me to do things. I went on a whole farming workaway because I had a crush who kept talking about doing it so my very clever idea was to do it before him. I often think of the Parks and Rec quote “Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.” I know that’s not actually the “correct” advice. I often wonder if I want to be with someone or be them (I’m starting to lean on be them). I’ve picked up a lot of hobbies from crushes, what can I say. I bought a lot of a coffee last year because of the hot butch who worked at my local café. It gets me out of the house.

I recall one morning at Urban Outfitters, a manager said “Flirt like hell!” I may have done that during my years in retail, because it’s fun and harmless in my experience. Luckily never had to deal with someone getting the wrong idea. Though I recall some people happily accepting my book recommendations and excitingly waiting for them to come back to the shop to talk about them. I must not keep getting caught up in limerance though, which is why I realise I want to be people more than be with them. Something about how hot guys carry themselves I find incredibly envious. Hot women I am less envious of, because of many factors. I am always confident walking alone at night, I know I’m less of a target. Not that I haven’t had some bad encounters, but being I am not a hot woman it’s easier to escape. I get mean, loud, annoying (my usual self) and it’s easy to get rid of unwanted attention. Maybe it’s my rugby player build, but I’ve been able to tell creepers to fuck off without much issue, because I’m not prize game.

I know I am rambling, but I have been thinking a lot about sexuality this last month. About what I would want in a relationship or romantic flings. Feeling like a cliché in being a bisexual who is always single. But hey, I get to live a life a lot of others don’t. I’m aware of intricacies others aren’t aware of. I try to find the positives. I recall sitting with some great friends I made during my workaway, they came to visit London and we were sat in a restaurant. One of them asked me if I was seeing anyone and in all honesty I said I was too busy. I was in my second year of uni with a group project, working at Urban and doing a collaboration with a dancer at a school nearby. I really didn’t have the time or energy. But I often think about that moment. Because that couple made me realise what I want in a relationship. Their friendship was so vital for me because with them I never felt lesser, dumb or inadequate. They made me think of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, that the best partner is someone of equal wit and intellect. Even with most of my best of friends, there can be an imbalance. Even self imposed. But with them I never felt that, we were always on equal footing. And that freedom is so intoxicating that I can never lessen my standards. And maybe because of that I will always be single, but the goal is not to find someone really. If I find someone that’s a lucky bonus. What I really want right now is friends. I want to go out and dance and meet up with people I love. I’m ready for that. I love the friends I have, but they are continents away, one cannot sustain themselves on long distance alone. I still remember those friends talking about getting together and how they bonded over wanting to be “less of an asshole”. And isn’t that what friendship is all about?

Perhaps it is the sun, but I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. February flew by fortunately. I took the bus, went to a big gig, I am desperate to do things! Feel as though I have finally reached the peak of that big hill I’ve been fighting over. Time to roll down the other side.

Thank you for reading,

Enya xx

Books:

Ponyboy by Eliot Duncan- “In the first of three acts, Ponyboy's titular narrator - a pill-popping, speed-snorting, trans-masculine lightning bolt - unravels in his Paris apartment. Ponyboy is caught in a messy love triangle between Baby, a lesbian painter who can't see herself being with someone trans, and Toni, a childhood friend who can actually see Ponyboy for who he is.Strung out, Ponyboy follows Baby to Berlin where he sinks deeper into drugs and falls for Gabriel, all the while pursued by a megalomaniacal photographer hungry for the next hot thing. As his relationships crumble, Ponyboy unexpectedly wakes up alone in Iowa, his childhood home. Now Ponyboy must finally choose a name.An evocative novel of art and addiction, self-destruction and re-construction, Ponyboy thrums with the joys, aches and pains of becoming who you are meant to be.”

Read it in a day. Meant to sit down and read a few pages and then just kept going. I thought this book was really wonderful and hit close to home in many ways. But I don’t find it good because it’s a bit relatable. It was captivating and you want to keep reading because despite everything, you’re rooting for Ponyboy. I think we’ve all loved a Ponyboy in our time, someone so lost in themselves all you can do is watch and hope they come out the other side. Maybe you’ve been the Ponyboy.

The Eight Mountains by Paolo Cognetti- “Pietro is a lonely boy living in Milan. With his parents becoming more distant each day, the only thing the family shares is their love for the mountains that surround Italy. While on vacation at the foot of the Aosta Valley, Pietro meets Bruno, an adventurous, spirited local boy. Together they spend many summers exploring the mountains’ meadows and peaks and discover the similarities and differences in their lives, their backgrounds, and their futures. The two boys come to find the true meaning of friendship and camaraderie, even as their divergent paths in life—Bruno’s in the mountains, Pietro’s across the world—test the strength and meaning of their connection.”

I wanted to read this because I loved the film so much and maybe it’s an issue that they did a great job adapting it because I didn’t get much new out of the book. But it is beautifully written and certain characters are more fleshed out, it’s more finding small details than the overall story. Even if you’ve seen the film I’d recommend you read purely on how it’s written alone.

Films:

All of Us Strangers (2023)- “One night in his near-empty London tower block, screenwriter Adam has a chance encounter with mysterious neighbor Harry, puncturing the rhythm of his everyday life. As a relationship develops between them, Adam finds himself drawn back to his childhood home, where his parents appear to be living just as they were on the day they died 30 years ago.”

This is the second Paul Mescal film that has made my sister sob profusely. Most of our predictions made while watching the film turned out to be true but it still really got to us. Some really beautiful dialogue, the set design was also a wonderful surprise, the colours in this film were great. It’s based off the book Strangers by Taichi Yamada and there’s a Japanese adaption called The Discarnates that seems to be a horror film so I’m quite interested in the different take. It’s a story that was beautiful and terribly sad, I’d like to watch again sometime and I wouldn’t be surprised if it become a go-to comfort movie (my comfort movies are questionable, comfort in existentialism).

Monster (2023)- “A single mother demands answers from a school teacher when her son begins acting strangely. A fight at school causes even more trouble.”

On a roll with watching films that make my sister cry. This film is so heartbreaking but also very, very good. I’m still digesting the story. It’s so loving whilst dealing with such dark subject matter. I went into it knowing basically nothing except for the director, Hirokazu Kore-eda who previously work includes Shoplifters (2018). Just give it your time.

Dario Argento: Panico (2023)- “Dario Argento wrote his most famous films inside hotels, completely isolating himself from external reality and immersing himself in his own nightmares. After many years, he decides to go back to a hotel to finish his new screenplay.”

Dario Argento is a director who I like because of the people who love his work, if that makes sense. This documentary was alright, but I think a fan wouldn’t get too much out of it nor would someone not familiar with his movies. But maybe it’ll introduce some new people to his work and the documentary tells you very little about any of his films so they wont be spoiled, more so his overall vision. I have a feeling they didn’t get permission to show clips from the films, there is hardly anything. No talking about specific scenes (probably because they couldn’t show them), not even much imagery, really just an overall “Ain’t he great?”. A very weird bit with the actress from Opera talking about their dynamic and how he refused to speak to her when she refused to be braless in a white shirt. It was mentioned then quickly moved on from and I thought why even put that in there if the film has no interest in going deeper? And as I predicted, there was no mention of his terrible 3D Dracula film from 2012. Also, subtitles continue to get worse and worse, the delay was crazy! I think Argento, the iconic Italian horror director he is, deserved a more in-depth review of his work rather than a fairly shallow retrospective.

Columbus (2017)- “When a renowned architecture scholar falls suddenly ill during a speaking tour, his son Jin finds himself stranded in Columbus, Ind., a small Midwestern city celebrated for its many significant modernist buildings. Jin strikes up a friendship with Casey, a young architecture enthusiast who works at the local library. As their intimacy develops, Jin and Casey explore both the town and their own conflicted emotions.”

This is one of my top 5 favourite movies. It’s the film that got me to care about architecture. I still remember seeing it in the cinema, feeling like it was the film I’d been waiting for. Watched it for the second time before leaving London. It’s a film that so far has marked great changes in my life. Third times the charm? I love this film so much! Highly recommend. Absolutely gorgeous film with a heartfelt story in the centre.

Benjamin Smoke (2000)- “Filmmakers Jem Cohen and Peter Sillen made this unorthodox documentary over the course of ten years. It follows the crooked path of Benjamin (no last name), an underground musician, speed-freak, occasional drag-queen, and all-around renegade living in the hidden Georgia neighborhood called Cabbagetown and playing in an indescribable band called Smoke.”

You can watch this documentary for free on youtube and would recommend watching it. I’d never heard of the band Smoke and their lead singer Benjamin before watching the film and I am now fascinated by his music and personality. I’m glad it was not a conventional documentary, which would have easily been written as a sob story about drug addiction and HIV and talking heads cutting in and out. Instead the doc is more of a vibe. You follow along like a dream, on occasion Benjamin speaks or a performance is shown. But it is mainly just seeing the world Benjamin inhabits.

Pulse (2001)- “After college student Taguchi (Kenji Mizuhashi) commits suicide, a number of young adults living in Tokyo witness terrifying visions transferred across the Internet. As more people disappear throughout the city, the Internet becomes a breeding ground for malevolent spirits. Three seemingly disconnected stories follow Michi (Kumiko Asô), Ryosuke (Haruhiko Katô) and Harue (Koyuki) as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the ghostly visions that are seeping beyond their computer monitors.”

A pillar in contemporary horror, its influence very noticeable watching for the first time. If you didn’t know it was one of the first of its kind it could maybe be corny in premise but in execution I think you’d have a hard time finding someone who would argue against its effectiveness. Ghosts on the internet! That is a very silly premise but oh no, not in this film it’s not. It takes itself very seriously and it’s so bleak (similar to Cure by the same director, Kiyoshi Kurosawa) but the bleakness never feels over the top. It also doesn’t shroud itself in that damp green look many early 2000s horror films had, including the American remake of said film. It has an interesting commentary on the isolation of the internet and how death affects everyone and with the internet death becomes a more…..malicious force? Doom and gloom is more easily spread out with this new tech (new in the film). There’s a lot of interpretations but that’s the one I’ve gone with.

The Last Angel of History (1996)- “The origins and significance of afrofuturism, framed by the journey of a time-traveling data thief.”

This is a really cool time capsule, the editing alone screams late 90s. You can watch for free on youtube, and it’s only 45 minutes so no excuses! There were some really great insights into technology, particularly because this was an era of analog and it was a symbol of freedom and creation, compared to now. They even got Octavia Butler! Goldie shows up too, so many notable musicians (George Clinton in all his glory), actors, writers and astronaut, Dr. Bernard Harris. It’s a very optimistic film about the future, to visualise the world differently, could use more of that. I liked how it explored the historical significance of Afrofuturism using a science fiction narrative of the data thief, going along with the films themes of what is real and what is not, man verse machine. Also full of bangers.

Palermo Shooting (2008)- “A young and famous German photographer travels to Palermo after his wild lifestyle almost gets him killed.”

Went back and forth on whether I liked this film while watching it, there’s so many corny visuals and lacklustre moments. But I also quite like it for those elements. The lead actor has incredible eyebrows but they were stuck in place, permanently handsome face without much going on. I like this movie but also don’t? I have more bad than good to say but I also want other people to watch it. It’s a conundrum. Fabulous soundtrack, because it’s Wim Wenders so of course the selection is great.

Anatomy of a Fall (2023)- “A woman is suspected of her husband's murder, and their blind son faces a moral dilemma as the sole witness.”

I mean, everyone already knows this film is great. Was not let down by the hype at all. It’s a long movie but it never feels drawn out, perfectly paced for the story it needs to tell. I don’t want to spoil anything, might leave it for another time to discuss theories. It has it all, story, acting, visuals, dog performance of the year. The actor who plays the son in particular was phenomenal, not just for a child actor but in general. Here I am, another person telling you to watch Anatomy of a Fall.

The Cars That Ate Paris (1974)- “After his brother dies in a car crash, Arthur Waldo (Terry Camilleri) is adopted by the mayor (John Meillon) of Paris, a small Australian town with a steep downhill road. The residents earn a living by causing accidents, then stripping the cars for parts to sell and using the few survivors as medical test subjects. Unable to escape, Arthur becomes a reluctant resident. Meanwhile, violent teens threaten to destroy the community with their menacing driving, which endangers citizens and property.”

This movie walked so Mad Max could run! Very much a movie that sells on premise and then you have to wait an hour until something actually happens. But it’s so odd I’m quite glad I watched it. 1970s stale acting, poor sound mixing, clearly a guy who had a bunch of scrap cars they could destroy. I don’t think anyone had insurance. The shortest rolling credits I’d ever seen. I totally get why it has a cult following.

The Zone of Interest (2023)- “The commandant of Auschwitz, Rudolf Höss, and his wife, Hedwig, strive to build a dream life for their family in a house and garden next to the camp.”

Too easy to say “Great film I will never watch again.” I think I would honestly despite the heaviness of the film. It is a great lesson in sound design and atmosphere. Seeing “regular” people living their day to day, I never felt the urge to sympathise with the mental gymnastics they had to leap through. A monster must have breakfast, so to speak. Going into it knowing it was the director of Under the Skin (2013), Johnathan Glazer, also prepared me somewhat for the film. I cannot stop thinking about how villagers in Auschwitz claimed to not know what was going on. How often they had to dust. Though that aspect was not featured in the film, everyone was very aware. I still thought about it. And I can’t stop thinking about all the noise. Metal, fire, bullets and screams. Trying to drown it out with family life. The ending was wonderfully done, because one wonders how can you end such a film.