Got Through January

The original title for this newsletter was “F*ck You, It’s January!” but that seemed like bad SEO. It’s been a bad month for me personally, not that anything really has happened, but my auntie pointed out I always have a hard time in January. And yet I always forget this happens every year! I preoccupied myself with books, movies and mainly replaying Skyrim for the millionth time (but for the first time, actually beat the main quest rather than get distracted by taking over the thieves guild or something). I’d been sleeping too much, not calling anyone, hibernating in my low mood. But my bare minimum is not what is used to be. I still cook, clean and get out of the house, a year ago that was not the case. So silver lining. Waited for the NYE craze to end to join the gym, a reason to leave the flat and try to become a more active person.

Looking back at the month, starting to shake off the gloom, I can see that things weren’t going too well. I will not admit how long I went without showering. Depression and hygiene are like water and oil sometimes. But you’d be amazed the power europop has to help you get over yourself and get on with life.

My sister asked me if I was okay because I was deep cleaning the bathroom and all I could think was that just means we need to deep clean more often. I scrubbed between tiles listening to the newest Miley Cyrus album. A decade ago I would listen to her controversial album Bangerz (the album itself was whatever, more so the promotion) while driving, blasting through the shitty speakers of a smart car, feeling like I was going to get swept up by the wind. Driving never felt real to me. It felt the same as trying to drive well in Mario Kart, just as flimsy. I’ll never understand people who text and drive, my anxiety infecting anyone else in the car with me. There was a great relief when my license expired and lived in a city where driving was unnecessary. But I deeply crave a night drive. One of the few places I’m guaranteed to be happy is on a long drive, watching street lights pass as music plays. I finish scrubbing the walls, leave the rubber gloves to dry, wash my hands and crack my neck.

I finished watching the TV show The Curse and wow….it’s like horror cringe comedy. The tone is so unique and I was cackling throughout. A comedy of manners in one way and an existential political satire on the other. I covered my eyes in horror at people just talking. The ending is one of the weirdest things I’ve seen in a long time and all I could think was “I’m so glad this got made” (I think that’s exactly what my sister said during the finale). The premise is: “Whitney (Emma Stone) and Asher Siegel (Nathan Fielder) are a newlywed couple struggling to bring their vision for eco-conscious housing to the small community of Española, N.M. But their efforts are complicated by an alleged curse and an eccentrically flawed reality TV producer, Dougie (Benny Safdie), who sees opportunity in their story. As the series unfolds, the couple find themselves caught in a mysterious web of ethical and moral gray zones - all while trying to keep their relationship afloat and conceive a child.” It’s like, yes, that is what the show is about but ALSO that tells you nothing about the tone. I want the soundtrack on vinyl, there’s a great interview by Synth History with John Medeski who did it (LINK). It’s almost like a John Carpenter soundtrack, eerie and not giving you all the details. I think the idea was “Let’s make a comedy but shoot and score it like a horror film”, also I really like Emma Stone as an actress now, she is superb in this show.

I’m genuinely obsessed with this show, watched loads of interviews and panels. It’s great to watch something so good, knowing the story is done and get into the finer details. It’s the kind of story that begs you to look into it. It’s a commentary on white saviorism, yuppies, gentrification, racism, colonialism, relationships, reality TV and likely a million other things. And that’s what so great about it, so many things could be applied. I’m not usually one for cringe comedy but because it toes the line of horror, it worked. I was waiting for the axe murderer to show up! (spoiler: there is no axe murderer, it just wouldn’t be surprised if there was one, instead they do something so much better and weirder). I don’t watch much TV so when I say watch this I really mean it! My last sell is that the co-creator, Benny Safdie, co-directed Uncut Gems (2019) and Good Time (2017), so if you liked those films you’ll probably enjoy The Curse. Watch it! I want more weird stuff like this to be made!

Naturally, the year I’m doing “no buying new books” Hanif Aburraqib and Kaveh Akbar both have new releases (there are no rules about being gifted books if anyone wants to send me their copy after they’re done 0_0). And it’s not cheating if I get them from the library. But so far it’s been nice going through the top shelf of my bookcase. I’m glad to see that I’ve actually read more of the books than I previously thought so there’s less to get through. I might break during the year but only for things I’m genuinely excited about, not out of impulse. The inner conflict between not wanting to needlessly buy and wanting to support indie bookshops. Although, over a year into living in America and I have yet to meet a really good bookseller. When asking for recommendations, be it in new or used shops, the sellers are stumped and I’ve even had one give up (they scanned the shelf for like 2 minutes after I said I like Denis Johnson then said “I don’t know, sorry”). I’ve asked what they really liked and they don’t know what to recommend. I appreciated one person who said “God, I haven’t read anything good lately”, been there. It’s odd. I need to go into Manhattan and meet some old school pros. I like to think I am very easy to recommend to, because I like to read things other people have enjoyed. Maybe my standards are too high. I still remember K from The Review in Peckham selling me a copy of Pond by Claire-Louise Bennett by doing an impression of the author reading an excerpt (a thick Galway accent).

I feel that this has been too dower. Even bits of enthusiasm were difficult to write. Apologies, this month made it hard to write with big strokes of colour. We finally got snow, for a whole week the roof across from my kitchen window was covered and I was sad to awake a few days ago to it gone. I continue to cook, made lots of vegan recipes, tried my best to keep my head above water. The last two weeks have been more empty. It’s hard to say what I did besides get through the day. Besides painting and on occasion, writing, I have spent days staring at the wall. All my mind wants to do it not be here. Here in a more metaphorical way. I try to bring myself back in, light some incense, bother the cat, sing along to All I Need by Radiohead. I dream of trains and beaches and laying down peacefully, not obsessively wondering if my heart rate is normal. I hope next month things are a little brighter. Until then.

Thank you for reading,

Enya xx

Things Fall Apart by Chinua Acheb- “...a colonial novel about the life of Okonkwo. He is a respected member of the Umuofia clan located in modern-day Nigeria. He is fearful of appearing weak and lazy like his father, and his burning need to be the embodiment of masculinity becomes his greatest weakness.”

One of those books you keep meaning to read then when you finally do it’s like “I can see why everyone told me to read this.” Tragic and the death of a romantic past, the end of tradition, the conflict between expectation and the heart. It’s tragic because it is inescapable, Okonkwo so desperate to not be like his father he becomes something worse. I loved the glimpses we get outside of Okonkwo’s perspective, that things aren’t as clear cut as he would like them to be. It reminded me a lot of Macbeth in certain ways, does everything go wrong because of his actions or were they inevitable? How history and myth get mixed up, what caused what. Highly recommend.

Saltwater by Jessica Andrews- “Saltwater explores the complexities of mother-daughter relationships, the challenges of shifting class identity and the way that the strongest feelings of love can be the hardest to define.”

Knew nothing about this book and it just so happened I was horribly homesick when I read it. Lucy has left London and gone to her deceased grandfathers cottage in Donegal. The narrative jumps from the present to the past, glimpses into Lucy’s life and her mothers. In the way it is written it’s a very quick read. I am unsure if the structure helps it or not, but I liked that it was all like a memory, brief and gone.

Calling A Wolf A Wolf by Kaveh Akbar- “Calling a Wolf a Wolf is a confessional collection of poetry written by Iranian-American poet Kaveh Akbar. The collection of poetry is a personal narrative that follows a path through addiction and to recovery.”

I’ve been slowly reading through this over the course of a year. It was very helpful whilst doing my 6 months of sobriety and I tend to go back to it when feeling the pull of escapism. It’s a really wonderful collection, one that I will keep with me for as long as I can.

Down the Drain by Julia Fox- “Fox recounts her turbulent path to cultural supremacy: her parents’ volatile relationship that divided her childhood between Italy and New York City and left her largely raising herself; a possessive and abusive drug-dealing boyfriend whose torment continued even from within Rikers Island; her own trips to jail as well as to a psychiatric hospital; her work as a dominatrix that led to a complicated entanglement with a sugar daddy; a heroin habit that led to New Orleans trap houses and that she would kick only after the fatal overdose of her best friend; her own near-lethal overdoses and the deaths of still more friends from drugs and suicide; an emotionally explosive, tabloid-dominating romance with a figure she dubs “The Artist”; a whirlwind, short-lived marriage and her trials as a single parent striving to support her young son. Yet as extraordinary as her story is, its universality is what makes it so powerful. Fox doesn’t just capture her improbable evolution from grade-school outcast to fashion-world icon, she captures her transition from girlhood to womanhood to motherhood. Family and friendship, sex and death, violence and love, money and power, innocence and experience—it’s all here, in raw, remarkable, and riveting detail.”

I don’t usually write about books I haven’t finished but I couldn’t get through this one because I kept getting annoyed that there should have been AT LEAST two more drafts. It felt rushed and needed to be tightened up A LOT. I think Fox is fascinating so was really disappointed because it’s evident that she does have a story to tell but either needed more time to write it or an editor needed to step in and I don’t know….edit. It was incredibly frustrating to read. There was some like middle school level grammar mistakes. Could no one have come in and just made it flow better? Streamlined it a bit? I’m sad because I really wanted to like this book because again, Fox has lived a very interesting life, one worth reading about, but the execution is lacking.

Dream Scenario (2023)- “A family man finds his life turned upside down when millions of strangers suddenly start seeing him in their dreams. However, when his nighttime appearances take a nightmarish turn, he's forced to navigate the consequences of his newfound stardom.”

The film is a white college professors worst nightmare. That is literally the bit. I don’t think the film sustains itself on that bit for too long though, it started to get a bit cringe. If you want a great film on perceived “cancel culture” Tár is the better one to watch. Dream Scenario is a very post-Everything Everywhere All At Once because the film felt very 2010 to me with its quirky visuals and an okay story (I feel the perfect example is Spike Jonze’s Where The Wild Things Are, visually great but the story is just kinda….meh). I can’t say the film wasn’t successful in what it was trying to do, I just didn’t enjoy the lack of subtly.

Corpus Christi (2019)- “A reformed criminal is prevented from applying to the seminary after his release, so he dresses as a priest and ministers a small town parish.”

Anon film friend buddy said I had to watch this before they’d read an essay I wrote on priests which will be out sometime next month. Initially it threw a wrench into my thesis, but as it went on, I found it to be a necessary addition to my research. The film is a discussion on forgiveness. Who is seen as acceptable to forgive and who is not and how that is an overall societal issue. Reform is a word used in both prisons and religious institutions. What’s does it mean to practice what you preach? And how, lacking in forgiveness, the cycle of violence continues.

The Double Life of Véronique (1991)- “Veronique (Irène Jacob) is a beautiful young French woman who aspires to be a renowned singer; Weronika (also Jacob) lives in Poland, has a similar career goal and looks identical to Veronique, though the two are not related. The film follows both women as they contend with the ups and downs of their individual lives, with Veronique embarking on an unusual romance with Alexandre Fabbri (Philippe Volter), a puppeteer who may be able to help her with her existential issues.”

I’ve discovered that Krzysztof Kieślowski films always put me in a good mood. Even though while watching this I was distracted, through no fault of the film. One of those days my mind wont stop wandering. But still, after the film ended, it loomed over me. I had the strange need to cry. I watched it while homesick, so perhaps it was more that. I love when a film reaches through and holds your hand during darker moments without trying to cheer you up. Like a friend who sits and listens.

One Fine Morning (2022)- “A young single mother raising an 8-year-old daughter struggles to take care of her father, who's been diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease. While trying to secure a decent nursing home, she runs into a married friend and they begin an affair.”

After two days of watching French films, I now hear French in my head. It’s not actually French, just what I think it sounds likes. I enjoyed this movie and glad I finally saw it after meaning to for such a long while. It’s simple and maybe not a stand out film, it feels like a good book that goes on the shelf for a while until someone asks about it and suddenly it’s very relevant. It made me think about how my parents are getting older and the things that come up along with that (will they start forgetting, who will take care of them, etc). Not my favourite romance film but on the higher end of the middle.

Cure (1997)- “Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s arresting international breakthrough established him as one of the leaders of an emerging new wave of Japanese horror while pushing the genre into uncharted realms of philosophical and existential exploration. A string of shocking, seemingly unmotivated murders—each committed by a different person yet all bearing the same grisly hallmarks—leads Detective Takabe (Koji Yakusho) into a labyrinthine investigation to discover what connects them, and into a disturbing game of cat and mouse with an enigmatic amnesiac (Masato Hagiwara) who may be evil incarnate. Awash in hushed, hypnotic dread, CURE is a tour de force of psychological tension and a hallucinatory journey into the darkest recesses of the human mind.”

I’m not one for detective stories but this was so unusual and bleak I quite enjoyed it. It’s very slow which I think I wasn’t exactly in the mood for at the time but still kept me intrigued and I love a weird premise when executed sincerely. It’s quite horrific all ‘n all, moody and grey. I’m not selling this but I do recommend.

Eileen (2023)- “In 1964 Massachusetts, a young secretary becomes enchanted by Rebecca, the glamorous new counsellor at the prison where she works. Their budding friendship soon takes a twisted turn when Rebecca reveals a dark secret.”

This was great. When I discovered it was the same director as Lady Macbeth it all made so much sense. Not that the film is nonsensical just the atmosphere. I really loved it, based off the Ottessa Moshfegh book of the same name (who also co-wrote the screenplay), and I love Moshfegh because she is so unconcerned with consequences. That’s not the point! I really liked Anne Hathaway in this, great casting all around. Dark, depressing and a bit gross because it’s Moshfegh, what did you expect?

The Holdovers (2023)- “A curmudgeonly instructor at a New England prep school remains on campus during Christmas break to babysit a handful of students with nowhere to go. He soon forms an unlikely bond with a brainy but damaged troublemaker, and with the school's head cook, a woman who just lost a son in the Vietnam War.”

A bit late to this as it is technically a Christmas movie BUT I will say it’s a good enough film to watch any time of year. My sister-in-law said she thinks it’ll become a new tradition to watch it every Christmas and I agree. I’m a sucker for cynic with a heart of gold taking an outcast under their wing plot-lines. Absolute sucker for it and that says nothing about me as a person (did you not have a teacher who maybe saw a bit of themselves in you and wanted you to be better?).

Rec (2007)- “Late-night TV host Angela and her cinematographer are following the fire service on a call to an apartment building, but the Spanish police seal off the building after an old woman is infected by a virus which gives her inhuman strength.”

I watched this for the first time in maybe 10 years, I saw it before I got into horror and in my mind it was the most terrifying film I’d ever seen. Now, over a decade later, it seems rather tame. But it's still very good! I was looking at it now seeing how influential it’s been, particularly on monster design. It is one of the few legitimate found footage films, the genre mostly being cheap schlock while this one stands out and not just a good found footage film but a good horror film. It ramps up very satisfyingly. Also this time round I watched it with dubs rather than subtitles which I don’t know if it takes away from the film, I think they mixed the original audio with the English audio very well. Highly recommend to horror fans, if you’re not a horror fan it might be too much.

Fallen Leaves (2023)- “In modern-day Helsinki, two lonely souls meet in a karaoke bar and try to build a relationship. Their path to happiness is beset by obstacles, from lost phone numbers to mistaken addresses, alcoholism and a charming stray dog.”

Firstly, the colour in this film was fabulous. Wonderful primary colour contrasts. Secondly, I love a simple love story. Just two people who are like “You” and the story has obstacles and whatnot but strings of fate keep pulling them to each other. Both flawed but never aren’t deserving to find love. And it’s not at all Hollywood, which is always appreciated. It’s very sweet and simple, and that’s what I personally love in a love story. Love because of love, not because of random abstract reasons. It’s just one of those films that’s like “It’s just very good! I don’t know what else to tell ya!”. Also the dog in the movie, I love them and are they up for adoption?