Keeping the Fire Under Your Feet

Originally posted September 20th 2023

When I started high school I told my mom I was going to be a “nerd” aka study like crazy and hangout with friends every weekend. I lasted about 6 weeks before I burnt out. I tend to only do things at 100% or not at all. When I had a studio in London, I would go in at around 10am and stay until 11pm, in university I’d get in around 9 or 10am and stay until the guy who gave the closing up warning came around. When I graduated university I had 3 jobs because I felt like I needed to do it (only one job survived the pandemic). But then after those intensive days I’d crash and stay home. My 20s has been all about crashing and burning every 6 months. Now I’m in the first crash I haven’t been able to myself out of. Probably because after each crash, I’d just dust myself off and not learn anything, and it’s all caught up to me.

For the last month I’ve been trying out a new work schedule, one that is drastically shorter than the ones I’ve tried and failed to do over this “self-employed” era. 10am-2pm to write and/or paint. That’s it. I use the rest of the afternoon to read and/or do house chores, make lunch, prep dinner, etc. The schedule has worked rather well, it forces me to be better at time management because I don’t have 8+ hours to get stuff done, plus there’s always something to do the next day. I do feel bad about it though, because it’s a very short work day. There’s a part of my brain that thinks that “I’m a creative! I should be working into the night, morning and night dedicated to my craft!” But having worked like that in the past, I know it’s just miserable. Overworking myself just to be exhausted and never satisfied. I’m trying to take care of my brain, meeting myself where I’m at while still challenging myself. Although I’m working less day to day, overall I’ve been getting a lot more done. I feel more disciplined than ever, because I’m not relying on inspiration. I’m not relying on “good days” where my body doesn’t feel heavy and awful, hollowed out shell, whatever. Even on bad days, where it feels like I want to escape my body, being the depressed bastard that I am, I’ve been able to hold myself accountable and do the work. I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to do things I love, and removing the “all or nothing” mentality, has helped significantly, even though I still feel guilt over it.

One of the meanings behind the name Enya is “fire”. “Little seed” and “kernel” are others. Sometimes the meanings get mixed and I’ve seen it become “little fire”, which is the one I like the most. Fire alone seems too aggressive, destructive. “Little fire” makes me think of a iron stove. I’m trying to be a little fire, maintaining myself not to burn out but to keep the blood warm.

I’m jumping back onto the sobriety train. After a Saturday night that took an unexpected turn, I realised I’m falling back into old habits and that I don’t have the self-control I’d like. I had the first real proper hangover in a year and I know it’s cliché to say “I’m never drinking again” but I’m not drinking for a while. I’ve noticed since having a drink here and there more consistently, my mood is harder to regulate. In the place I’m in right now, as someone who already struggles with mental health stuff, I don’t need it. I don’t need alcohol adding to the issues I’ve already got, so sobriety returns.

Sobriety is very boring, but it kinda forces you to be more sure of yourself. Learning how to relax without booze is the hardest thing and I think it just shows how stressful a lot of social spots are. The noise, people pushing past, the heat, it’s no wonder one wouldn’t want to be at a club sober. I understand that it takes the edge off, but I need to learn how to relax without being dependent on sedatives. I do often joke that I’ve never relaxed a day in my life, which isn’t really a joke, and even if it was, it’s not funny. At this point in my life, I’d be fine becoming an annoying person who tells everyone to meditate and drink smoothies if it meant I’d chill out.

I have been trying and failing at making sourdough bread these last two weeks. It doesn’t rise, it’s too doughy, too tough. I know baking isn’t as forgiving as cooking, which makes it harder, as I’ve never been good at being exact. I really miss living right next to a bakery, American sourdough doesn’t taste very sour, I’ve been terribly nostalgic for London. I’m mixing flour and starter thinking about the city I still think of as home, in my head listing off all the bakery’s I know. Everything felt so much more convenient. I can’t get the bread right and it tastes like nothing and I don’t understand why the sourdough isn’t sour. I know going back isn’t an option so I’m trying to get the bread right so I can feel a bit more at home.

I discovered a café nearish to my flat makes lattes that taste like ones in London. They also serve pork buns and turmeric rolls. Across the street is the butcher that sells nice tinned tomatoes and sausages. There’s a shop front next door for rent that would make a great bookshop. I want to find comfort here. I don’t just want it to be as easy as back home, I want it to be even better. Because London was a struggle too, in a state of constant burn out, and I want it to be better than before, not the same. Maybe it wont be here, but somewhere. I’m holding my own hand through it.

Life often feels like a lot of stops and starts. A dodgy secondhand car that every morning you hold your breath while turning the ignition (pretty sure I’ve done this whole metaphor/tangent before, but I often repeat myself). I wonder when I stopped thinking of myself as a body and began to see myself as a machine. An assortment of rusted parts. The rare moments of feeling human is in water or surrounded by trees. I do not feel like a person around other people. More often, I feel so alienated that I can’t imagine being the same species. Everyone else got the handbook in how to be real. But, this is not to say I don’t love people. Or that I don’t want to be a person. I’ve been inside too long. I’m so desperate to be with people but I don’t know how to bridge the disconnect. My wires are all tangled up.

Thank you for reading,

Enya xx