March Ends

Originally published March 29th 2023

The month rushed by, I’m looking back on what I watched and read this month and thinking “was that in March?”. Everything feels so far away, the only thing fresh in my mind is Keith Ridgway’s A Shock because I finished it literally yesterday.

My parents were visiting the city over the weekend so we all sat in me and my sister’s flat eating Thai food. It was funny being in a sitting with room with my parents and siblings, reaching the point of the day when we were tired and bored, it was very foreign and familiar. My dad got really into Mario Golf, I finished the first round of edits on my manuscript, my sister took a nap, my brother and mom checked their phones. I was reminded of Christmases spent in California, when the skype calls with family were over, presents opened and we were all waiting around for dinner. It was all too sunny for it to be Christmas was always my thought, winter in California being just a very long Autumn. Back to the flat in Brooklyn, I was a bit restless and suggested we go on a walk. “So long as it isn’t raining.” my brother said, and although I could see rain splashes in the puddles out the window, the weather app on my mom’s phone said it wasn’t so we went out.

It was a bit more than a drizzle but not a harsh downpour. I welcomed it, I’ve found the rain comforting while I could see the scrunched up faces of my family think otherwise. The benefits of being agoraphobic is when I suggest we go out no one will say no. We browsed the local antique shop and passed on the second-hand bookshop, eventually making our way to a large thrift shop, the first I’ve been to in over a year. There were lots of people and music, rows and rows of clothes. I was instantly overwhelmed but I thought “this is a good place to practice my breathing exercises”. I’m trying to put myself in uncomfortable situations more often. Well. Most things are uncomfortable situations so it’s not hard to find. I focused on looking for a blazer, finding one for specks of colour in the brown stitching. At one point I could see my brother and parents but not my sister and began to panic. The thought process being if I suddenly needed to leave that having to find her would delay that emergency. I found her looking at dresses and instantly felt more calm. I hate my dependency on others. It is something I need to work on but I’ll admit it that I hate it. I hate asking for help. I hate that I lose sight of my sister for 20 seconds and instantly feel anxious. It’s very hard admitting that I can’t brute strength my way out, something I learned the hard way, basically spending my entire adulthood doing, the breakdowns coming in waves until it eventually lead to me leaving home (London). This all occurred to me while looking at nightgowns in various shades of pink.

After the thrift shop I had my first bit of alcohol in 6 months and American Guinness is shite. I didn’t particularly enjoy the drink, all that happened was I wanted a smoke. I also really wanted a beer the day after while reading A Shock by Keith Ridgway, I think because of the amount of time spent at The Arms (which is totally not supposed to be The Joiners Arms, nah couldn’t be). I loved the book for many reasons, but one that stuck out was how much I loved living in southeast London (where the book mainly takes place), having lived in the same area as the characters in the book. The offhand mentions of the Fox pub, Burgess park, Coldharbour lane, not quite nostalgia, but I can’t argue that it’s not. I also appreciated that Ridgway didn’t talk much about the art students, because Camberwell is yes, full of them, me being a former one, but there’s a lot more to it than that and it’s been talked to death. I loved how gay it was, loved how it feels like I’ve met every single person in this book, it’s like hearing a bunch of gossip from different sources and it all coming together at the end.

I Came All This Way to Meet You by Jami Attenberg and Brother Poem by Will Harris were good reads from this month. Attenberg’s memoir/thoughts on writing is an encouraging piece, especially as I go through around round of edits. I’m always a little wary when an author writes a book about writing but I think Attenberg combines her writing with her life and how they inform each other really well, I’ll admit I’m not actually done the book yet but it’ll be done by the end of the month so it counts. Brother Poem by Will Harris is much more experimental than his last book Rendang and as someone who struggles a bit with poetry I found myself having to reread a lot of pages but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Reading something that demands something of you can be off-putting for some but there are some works that I enjoy the challenge. Harris is such a great poet that I want to put in the extra effort and loved this collection. All poetry needs to be reread a few times I think and I will make my way back around to a second read through later in the year which I look forward to.

I won’t say much but I didn’t enjoy Matrix by Laura Groff. The one thing I will say is what annoyed me most is that it never felt like I was reading about a character in the 1100s, it felt like I was reading fanfiction that had a vague understanding of what life was like. Where’s the detail? The whole thing was so vague. Alright moving on.

In regards to film this month, I rewatched a lot of stuff. Not much new has come out that really has perked my interested except The Quiet Girl which I need to get around to. Blood Simple, the Coen brothers first movie from 1984, was probably my favourite watch of this month, mainly just because I always find their work interesting if not great. It also made me realise it’s time to rewatch No Country for Old Men. I’ve been working through the TV show Fargo, based on their film of the same name. I like the show because I don’t really like TV because I think they tend to drag out and Fargo is an anthology series so I don’t have to worry about that. It also helps that it’s very well done and finally seeing Martin Freeman be cast appropriately as a pathetic asshole rather than his usual “nice guy” character is also a win. The Last of Us ended which I enjoyed but it’s really just the video game in TV form so there’s already a decade’s worth of thought on the story that I’m not gonna add to.

Quickly music: as expected I really enjoyed the new Yves Tumor album, it’s a far cry from their very experimental and fantastic album Safe in the Hands of Love, but it’s leading on from their last album Heaven to a Tortured Mind that’s more rock. It being their most listener friendly album could come across as an insult but it’s such a solid album one can’t help be more excited at the prospect of more mainstream success. Also Yves Tumor is unapologetically weird and distinct it’s a relief to see a musician that stands out in an over-saturated market. The Blaze’s Jungle is also one I’ve had on repeat since it came out, it might be too intense for reading but I put it on and I find it compliments the relaxed atmosphere. No other new releases from this month have grabbed me, slowthai’s new album was good but it felt rushed, which is how a lot of albums feel these days, maybe I’ll come ‘round to it. Continued listening to Young Father’s Heavy Heavy, rekindled my love of the Irish band Fight Like Apes and the singer/songwriter Anthony Green’s first album Avalon. There’s a playlist at the bottom for anyone interested.

Reminder: From April onwards, I will be doing only two substacks a month, one essay and one end of the month roundup. If inspiration strikes there may be more but we’ll see.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read,

-Enya xx

Books read:

Matrix by Laura Groff

A Shock by Keith Ridgway

I Came All This Way To Meet You by Jami Attenberg

Brother Poem by Will Harris

Films Watched & Recs:

Scott Pilgrim vs the World, 2010 (It’s good but people are under the impression that I love this movie because I changed my hair colour a lot in my teens and early 20s like the character Ramona Flowers. It’s fine and very 2010).

Scanners (2023 seems to be the year I’m trying to watch all Cronenberg movies and I’m noticing that he’s very good at concepts, the movies themselves are a bit too dependent on the bit).

When Marnie Was Here (Not Studio Ghibli’s best in my opinion but I think it’s unfair to compare it to ones like Spirited Away or Howl’s Moving Castle because it’s a very different kind of movie. It’s a nice wee film, good for a chill morning.)

Blood Simple (It’s the Coen brothers first movie and it’s interesting to compare to how their concepts have developed since, miscommunication and coincidence abound!)

Loulou (only if you like French movies where people who don’t seem to like each other are also in love)

Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (I’d seen the rest of Park Chan-Wook’s revenge trilogy and finally watched this and nothing will ever beat my love of Sympathy for Lady Vengeance but this was very good)

Oldboy (iconic, forgot about a lot of what happened as I hadn’t seen it in a while and it’s just as awful and great as I remember)

Emma, 2020 (I have watched every year since its release and I don’t see that stopping anytime soon)

Princess Mononoke (a weekend rewatch, always recommend)

Cleo from 5 to 7 (wonderful Agnes Varda film, a good way to spend the evening)

Night of the Demons (it’s an 80s horror B-movie, I liked it, most people wont)

Predator (Iconic, silly, 80s, so manly it’s camp)

Alien (always recommend)

Aliens (recommend but not as good as Alien)

The Thing (one of my favourite movies so I’m bias but it is genuinely great)

The 40-Year Old Version, 2020 ( there’s a lot of intentionally cringe stuff which made it hard for me to watch but that’s a me problem not the films. The struggle of making art and selling out, staying true to yourself but also needing to pay rent and finding those that support you)