Summer, Man

Originally posted September 6th 2023

This week has been warmer than the last, I’ll blame the full moon. Last week there had been a hint of autumn which I was excited for. I miss my coats and turtle necks but alas, the summer wont let go. On Sunday night, after meeting my sister and brother-in-law in the park, I walked home alone listening to Tugboat by Galaxie 500. The air was hot, everyone dressed as if the sun was still shining. People in the park drank in the dark, talking on as they do. The song played and I felt so at ease with myself.

There was a bouncy castle in the park this weekend and all I could think was how much of an effort it must have been to get it there. Rather than the kids who get to play in it, celebrating the last days of summer vacation. I sat outside at dusk and felt like I too was going back to school. That it was ending and soon I’d have to pack my backpack and prep lunch.

Since the song came out in 2009, I listen to Taking Back Sunday’s song Summer, Man every year around this time. It’s not a particularly great song nor does it remind me of long summer days. It’s just one of those rituals I’ve made for myself. It’s the end credits. My pre-birthday blues have turned to the comfort of knowing the hot nights will end and the breeze will get that wonderful icey chill soon enough. I love when the cold is like a slap in the face.

I’m booked to go to California for the first time since 2019 and get to stay with one of my dearest longtime friends. I’m looking forward to long car rides, good tunes, the moutains. I’ll get to go to the ocean, see the ever expanding view. It’s making me feel less stuck just thinking about it. As Taking Back Sunday would say “I’m ready to be new again”.

I haven’t had many profound thoughts this week, hence the lack of direction of this essay. I finished a large painting and did a smaller one that I’m quite proud of. I’m eager to get back to the canvas and start something new. On Saturday I sat at my keyboard for several hours and stared out the window as the light changed, playing out long notes, droning off. I started putting some lyrics to a tune. So far, it’s ok. The process is very, very rusty. I’ve been drawing a lot. Doodles while watching movies or when I can’t get myself to do anything else. A lot of spirals. Working with my hands always brings me back down, when often I’m off in the clouds. I’m trying to find clarity in the dirt of work. My voice feels dried out, when I try to sing I feel like I’m hearing myself from another time. It’s the same singing voice I had when I was 16. And it’s very strange noticing that lack of change. But I’m singing, singing around my room and in the kitchen. Earlier today I sang along to Asleep by The Smiths, which I found funny because I’ve never been a Smiths fan and it always reminds me of that terrible film Sucker Punch. But I enjoyed it regardless. I’ve been listening to The Perks of Being a Wallflower soundtrack, which is an absolute banger. I still remember seeing it in the cinema in Mullingar, a friend had dressed up because a guy she liked was coming and she’d convinced the rest of us to do the same so she wouldn’t stand out. I remember us running down the school hallways to dance to Come on Eileen being played from the prefects room. I’m scribbling out drawings of eyes and noses and squares and trying to find something in it. I feel that I am looking for something and don’t know what it is. Just trusting I’ll know it when I see it.

Thank you for reading,

Enya xx