Zone Out

Important information regarding the newsletter: I am no longer using substack due to their support of Nazi’s on their site, the newsletter is now being posted through beehiiv, all previous essays have been posted onto here: https://enyano.beehiiv.com/

Every New Years Eve since I was 13, I get Death Cab For Cutie’s song The New Year stuck in my head. Specifically the opening line “So this is the new year?/and I don’t feel any different”. It’s one of those lines you hear as a teenager and are just like “woah” while as an adult it seems obvious. But I think a lot of good songwriting is obvious. It was on a mix CD that came with a magazine that also had Mike Posner’s ‘Cooler Than Me’ and Taking Back Sunday’s ‘Number Five With a Bullet’. I think it was Rocksound Magazine because I remember back in the day they often came with CDs and posters.

Maybe it’s the contrarian in me but I’ve always liked the “lesser” holidays more e.g. New Years Eve and Valentines Day. For some reason people act like they’re some arduous obligation, no one ever seems excited. My favourite day of the year is New Years Eve, there’s something in the air, like the world is at rest. Calm before the storm sort of thing. The evening is not so much of a concern to me, I’m not usually out partying. I just like whenever I do something I’m very conscious that is the last time I’ll be doing it that year. Last breakfast of the year, last movie of the year, last walk, etc. Everything feels special.

Last year I spent New Years Eve with my dad, he had a late evening flight back home, but I remember we watched Deep Blue Sea ‘cause he heard it was good (it was fine) and ate pizza. The year before that was spent at The Cat & Mutton with my cousin and a friend, drunk as a skunk. My cousin and I sat in my apartment playing guitar and singing until my roommate got home then we ate pizza and talked about chords, I can’t remember the exact song, but I’ve always enjoyed listening to musicians talk about technicalities, despite having no idea what they’re talking about. Pizza is an unspoken New Years tradition I realise. One year was spent with just my sister, she had an early flight the next day so we stayed at my grandparents house alone while everyone else was down in Wexford. Prosecco, pizza and the Spice Girls movie on Sky. Another year at the Shaklewell Arms in Dalston, pushing through a crowd singing the Beastie Boys ‘Fight For Your Right’. I remember then going on a tangent that we do in fact have to fight for our right to party because of venue closures. I’m very fun at parties.

I’ve never been one for new years resolutions. I think trying to fix your life in January is a losing game. The odds are already set against you! January is about survival. I think the idea of resolutions, a fresh start, is very well intentioned but it’s become a gym membership selling point, skincare ads, marketing bonanza! I know every holiday has been turned into a shell of its former self, but there’s something about the self-improvement angle that feels particularly nefarious. They’re banking on you fucking up and trying again next year. Whatever you’re doing right now isn’t good enough. No, no, buy this and this year will be different! But I’m afraid you cannot buy your way to absolution, no matter what Catholics say.

I’m going to attempt and probably fail to buy no new books until I have tried to read every unread book on my shelf. Not finish, but at least have read a bit. This is to both save money and challenge myself to read more. I’ve been too easily distracted these days. It might be unwise to do dry January and vegan January at the same time, but I want to do difficult things. Prove to myself that I can stick to something. But as I said, doing all this in January might be foolish.

This year has been a lot of push and pull. Did a lot of things that scared me. Failed a whole lot. As frustrated as I get with myself, I’ve learned a lot and have gotten better. So when I hear the song ring in my ear “So this is the new year?/and I don’t feel any different” only the former will be true.

Thank you for reading and have a happy new year,

Enya xx